Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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