We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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