hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
