cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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