Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I looked at my own cervix.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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