DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
