What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize