she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
it's great music for shaving your balls
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize