fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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