you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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