he told me I talked like a deaf person
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
