i would punch a child for taco bell
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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