What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
