Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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