she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
