apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
