I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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