You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
