I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
