The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
