It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
