My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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