I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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