nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
false alarm, still single
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
