I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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