My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
