wanna go halves on a baby?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
cat food counts as protein by the way
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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