My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
