lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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