The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
