I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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