She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
