I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
