i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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