I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
