I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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