I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
