The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
