Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
