I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
