Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
