Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
