you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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