Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
