If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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