im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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