I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
