I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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