I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
