the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
