dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
