woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
