Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
